The last couple of months have been the most difficult months of my life. I began feeling depressed and anxious at the start of the school year. I was not sure why, I felt this way. I had taught 3 years, but for some reason this year seemed as if it was my 1st year teaching ever. I dreaded going to work, and looked at the clock constantly waiting for it to hit 3 o'clock. It wasn't that my students were terrible, they were not. It wasn't that I didn't love to teach, because I do. It wasn't a problem with administration, they respected and supported me. It wasn't the parents, they loved me. It was something inside of me, that I could not understand. I felt out of place, there was times where I wanted to run out of the school in the middle of the day. I could not understand why and how this began. I felt desperate. This started affecting my health. I constantly felt nauseous, weak, sick to my stomach, tired, etc. My close friends saw a difference in me, they would say, "your not yourself", and honestly I didn't feel like I was. My depression became so intense that I would cry every morning while getting ready to go to work, I would cry before the students came into the classroom, I would cry when I got home.
Weird, huh?
That was not it, though. My mother was starting to feel sick, my brother was suffering from kidney stones, and my dad was going through work problems. I felt helpless. How could I help my mom,my brother, my dad when I was a mess myself? This just added to my depression. I decided to quit my teaching job to be with my family, they needed me, and secretly I know I needed it for myself as well.
Quitting was not as easy as I thought. Apparently, I was a valuable asset as a teacher. The school, didn't want to loose me. The superintendent of our school district didn't want to loose me. He asked me to reconsider my quitting. When I met with our superintendent he looked as me as said, "Sandy, I have heard so many incredible things about you, and I have seen you in action, and you represent what this district is about. I don't want to loose a teacher like you, let me offer you an alternative." Although, many would see this as a blessing, at the moment all this pressure from my leaders was just adding more fire to my depression. I felt like I was letting so many people down, and instead of accepting what I wanted to do, I felt as if now I had to do what they wanted me to do. STAY.But, I had my mind set.
I now had to face my co-workers, the parents, and not to mention my students (whom I love so deeply). This was so incredibly hard. Tears fell from parents eyes, disappointment from my co-workers, but the hardest was telling my students. Nevertheless, I did. Heart break.
I was finally out, but what I didn't know was what was awaiting me. During the 1st couple of weeks of my unemployment, I felt better. I felt as peace, I felt like myself again. I was spending time with my mother, she and I needed it. We were planning to head out of the country.
Then the second storm hit! This harder than ever! Family chaos. Although, I am not ready to share this (I'm still going through it), I will one day when the storm has passed.
I began to realize why I was feeling depressed earlier in the year. This may sound very strange and almost crazy to you, but I now know that God was using my depression to do His will in my life. He was preparing me to be there for my family. He was getting my attention. He knew that the storm was coming, and He knew that I belonged at home. He knew I needed to be home for this season of pain and suffering. He knew I would never, ever, think of quitting my job especially because I had everything going well for me, I was in the highlight of my career. He knew that my job had taken priority. He knew the future, he knew my place.
I am not saying that God made me quit my job. NOPE! I'm not saying that God sent me a plague of depression. NOPE! I am not saying that you should quit your job if you feel depressed. NOPE! I'm not saying that you should be afraid of God! NOPE!
I am saying that even throughout all the pain and suffering God worked through it to do his will in MY life! This is how He worked in Sandy' life. He laid out his architectural plan for my life and this is His own personal design for me.
This is incredible! This shows his perfect plan, his love, and grace. It might not be the way you and I would handle it, but it makes sense to me how He connected everything, and I understand now why everything had to happen this way.
A great of example of when God enacted his plan, was the birth of Jesus. A regional census lead Joseph and Mary to travel to Bethlehem. This census was a decree from Caesar, and had to be obeyed. Joseph and Mary had no idea that Jesus was going to be born in Bethlehem, especially not in a manger. I'm sure they wanted a better place setting for the birth. But, God had everything planned to the t. So you see, God used the census, the occupied inns, and the time to accomplish his will. Everything happen for a reason-for Christ to be born in a humble manger, fit for a different kind of King! Everything makes sense!
I feel the same way about my situation. While I don't dare compare my story with the planning of Christ' birth. I can't help but to admire how God's plans are carefully planned and played out.
This is why I can confidently say that, I don't regret quitting, or having to face these hardships, because it is part of His perfect will!
If you are going through the storm right now, your not alone, I'm in the boat next to you! Here is the great news: While in the storm, I have felt the hand of God stronger than ever in my life. I have felt the Holy Spirit' counsel like never before. I have become more dependent on him, and learned to put down my suit of pride.
My pride told me that I needed to seem strong to the world, that weakness was a bad quality to have. Pride refused for me to even share this story, but I know that God disapproved my pride, his word clearly says: "God opposes the proud but favors the humble." 1 Peter 5:5 (NLT)
God has healed my anger, and has placed mercy. God has took my thick-skin and has placed a sensible heart. I see myself in HUGE need of him, I feel bankrupted without him. My spirit is poor, but despite it, I know that this pleases God for Christ stated, "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven". Matthews 5:3 (NIV)
I don't want admiration, I don't want to seem holy or be titled as an amazing Christian (cause frankly I'm not). I want to show that God is merciful and His word is true when it states: And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. Romans 8:28 (NLT)
I love God for allowing me to go through this because He is with me, and I feel it. I am getting to know my creator, and falling in love with Him. I'm in admiration of Christ and his strength through his pain and suffering.
So, my friend, I pray that you may see the will of God in the midst of your pain and suffering. I pray that you may smile because His way is better. Smile because God loves you and the future is in his hands. Smile because you are alive and because grace has been extended to you.
And remember this: The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed. Psalm 34:18 (NLT) Smile.
Love,
The Sweet Sandy
P.S. My students are doing so well, they have an amazing teacher (a close friend of mine), and I get to Skype with them whenever I want. They are learning so much, the parents love the new teacher, she's doing a great job! See, God had the right person prepared to take care of his precious kids. His plans are amazing! Who knew? Apparently not me!
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